August 2009 Weather News! Special Second Anniversary Edition!
You may ask yourself “What the fuck can be special about this stupid weather journal when all the lunatic does is write about weather statistics after the fact, animal behavior and sometimes stupid people when it comes to weather?"
Well, let me tell you smart ass this is a special edition because I have now compiled twenty-four months of weather data to actually show the reader if our desert, approximately one thousand feet above sea level, and the mountains of New Mexico, approximately seven thousand, four hundred feet above sea level, have cooled or warmed since last August. Yes, indeed, our very own gnat’s ass insignificant two year study of global warming. There is no opinion, political correctness, social perversion or capital gain; there is simply average temperature data collected to show the facts. Pure scientific data.
But more on that later. I have an addition to add that I missed in July’s Weather News. The ever observant and scrutinizing TwinkyDuck reminded me of an article that she brought to my attention at my birthday dinner in July. I forgot to include it because I was drunk with the joy of turning into an old fart and having too many Duck Beak beers.
Being a true and professional journalist I have decided to add it to this exciting edition of BlueDuck Weather before I get to the usual nonsense that makes up this idiotic weather report. Posted on July 13th, 2009 the article read “An offshore earthquake that shook the Southern California coastline may have confused several giant squid sending them up on the beach. The squid weighed in at almost forty pounds.” Thank you TwinkyDuck for keeping me on my wobbly toes.
August was an extremely active weather month for much of the nation and the world. It was pretty boring here in the deserts of Arizona. So far the monsoon has been labeled the “non-soon” for lack of rain. There has been plenty of moisture present but not the triggers that set off the heavy thundershowers. At the rate we are going this will be the fifth driest monsoon summer on record.
I promised to depress you with the amount of one hundred degree plus days recorded and actually wanted to report the amount of days over 105, 110, and 115. But that is sheer torture. Let me say this before you shoot yourself, there were no days in August that did not reach below one hundred degrees. However, there were no 115’s. The normal last day of temperatures over one hundred and ten degrees is August 9th. Phoenix ended the last three days of the month by tying records of one hundred and thirteen degrees.
In this special anniversary edition you will drool on yourselves as you read about a bogus weather data link that turned perverse, tormenting scorpions, animals being micro-chipped, an American Forest Icon having a birthday, fatal bear attack in the United States, “Thunder wear” for dogs, (I swear, I don’t make this shit up!), sugary drinks banned from a Phoenix high school that has nothing to do with health, Green energy fucking with the science of weather and a brand new contribution from the “It’s weird I can’t explain it column” from my very own father, the infamous WaddleDuck himself!
And now as promised our very own microscopic look at global warming. The temperature at the Land was 5.85 degrees cooler in 2009 than 2008. This temperature data was collected from August 2007 until this month. The average temperature at Talking Trees and Antelope Hill was .89 degrees warmer in 2009 than the previous year.
The average temperature at The Land was 91.15 degrees this month. The averages at Talking Trees and Antelope Hill was 67.36 degrees. We were four degrees cooler at the end of the month than the beginning. Talking Trees and Antelope Hill was six degrees cooler.
The average humidity at The Land was 35.71%. The average dew point was 50.70 degrees.
The average wind speed at The Land was 7.17 mph, yet another windy month!
The Land received an impressive .96 inches of rain for the month and the yearly rainfall stands at 3.65 inches.
Fucking Lake Mead is still drying up and is at 40%. Powell is still rising at 63%. Roosevelt Lake is down to 85% and Pleasant 91%.
8-1- Excessive Heat Warning issued for Maricopa County and north west Pinal County until 8-2.
Louisiana’s oil ports hurricane barrier is washing away by four hurricanes in the last three years. The miles long sand bank is the only thing that keeps the Gulf from destroying pipelines and shipyards that handle 15% of all crude oil flowing to inland refineries.
So far this has been an unusually mild tornado season in “Tornado Alley.”
Next time you go to the beach for a relaxing frolic in the water (shit) consider this; water quality tested at six thousand U.S. beaches found high levels of bacteria. The water samples violated health standards with the presence of human and animal waste. Drink up!
8-2- Eighty nine degree record high low recorded in Phoenix this morning. Later in the afternoon a Dust Storm Warning was posted for Graham, Gila and Cochise Counties with 50 mph winds recorded.
Flooding from Maine to Pennsylvania with four inches of rain recorded. Summer heat has not hit the East this year. Record lows are recorded from Kansas to Wisconsin.
Fires fueled by winds on Spain’s Canary Islands are out of control Firefighters retreat with fifty homes destroyed and five thousand acres of land burned so far.
A shark attacks a fisherman in Louisiana.
8-3- In Redding, California dozens of residents remain evacuated after a weekend lightning storm caused multiple fires. Four separate fires have burned seventy six hundred acres.
8-4- A record high low of ninety degrees was recorded in Phoenix. Another Excessive Heat Warning issued until 8-6. Later in the afternoon a Severe Thunderstorm Warning was issued for Gila County.
Evacuations orders are lifted after California wildfires are almost contained but a new brush fire has erupted in Glendale, California.
8-5- Scorpions are on the increase in the east valley of the Phoenix Metro area. Some people are so frightened they won’t return home until exterminators have come. ( My father has been stung twice, once in the foot and once in the chest when the bastard fell from the ceiling while he was sleeping. Daddy is still ornery as hell and has no fear of scorpions. They are just part of desert life; unlike rattlesnakes in his house but that is a different story.)
Flashfloods swamp parts of Kentucky and Indiana. Heavy rain closed the University of Louisville. There was three and a half feet of water in the Louisville Public Library with thousands of books damaged. Flood waters closed portions of I-65 and the National Guard is deployed for rescues after six inches of rain fell in three hours.
Hurricane Felicia is getting stronger in the Pacific and is expected to absorb Tropical Storm Enrique. Felicia is expected to become a major hurricane by tomorrow.
Firefighters save Lillouett, Canada from a lightning caused wildfire. The fire forced the evacuation of five thousand.
The fire in the Canary Islands is now under control with fifty homes burned and seventy four hundred acres torched.
8-6- Under new Arizona law beginning September 30th all animals brought in to be sterilized will be micro-chipped. The goal is to cut down on abandoned and stray animals. ( When will this process begin with people and ducks? Go in for a vasectomy and have a chip hidden in your balls!)
Hurricane Felicia is weakening but still a category 4 storm with winds of 135 mph in the Pacific.
The Atlantic hurricane season will be less active than originally predicted. No named storms have developed but the peak period runs through August until October.
8-7- Due to lower humidity and high wind a Red Flag Warning has been issued for northern Arizona. There is a lightning caused wildfire north of Flagstaff.
Rain for Phoenix two inches below normal for the year; and Ozone Advisory issued today.
Felicia weakens to a category 2 hurricane.
8-8- The Wood chute fire has erupted in the Prescott National Forest. It has burned ninety acres and caused from lightning.
This morning had record lows in with thirty five degrees at Flagstaff and freezing at the Grand Canyon.
Felicia remains a Category 2 hurricane and weakening as it approaches Hawaii. Sustained winds are at 100 mph.
8-9- Highway 89A closed from Prescott to Jerome due to a brush fire.
Climate change seen as threat to global security. “The changing global climate will pose profound strategic challenges to the U.S. in coming decades, raising the prospect of military intervention to deal with the effects of violent storms, drought, mass migration and pandemics.” (Spooky Shit!)
The Morakot Typhoon hits China, forcing one million to flee. Taiwan has the worst flooding in fifty years.
Hurricane Felicia weakens to a Tropical Storm near Hawaii but several park beaches are closed due to high tide.
A mom and son were “vacationing’’ in Death Valley, California. They decided to go four wheeling and got stuck in sand. Although they had a case of water the son died of heat stroke.
8-10- There are six hundred people miss in Taiwan from mudslides caused by the typhoon. It dumped EIGHTY INCHES OF RAIN IN TWO DAYS!
In Japan Typhoon Etau slammed into the west coast with twelve people killed and ten missing from mudslides.
8-11- Three hundred people are rescued after a mudslide as the result of Typhoon Morakot covered an entire village but many still missing.
And here is a contribution from TwinkyDuck; The annual Peresied meteor show will be active all week from midnight to five a.m. It is reliable and observers have counted up to twenty five per hour.
8-12- This has been an extremely dry monsoon season for Arizona with less than two inches of rain so far.
One hundred and eleven square miles of the Los Padres National Forest in California have been closed due to wildfires. The fires are a threat to ranchers in Santa Barbara County. An evacuation order has been placed for fourteen ranches.
Helicopters drop food and aid to people in Taiwan trapped on hills. They are unable to come down due to flooding in the valleys.
A woman in south west Colorado is killed and eaten by a bear near her home. She had been repeatedly warned not to feed bears.
8-13- The Wood chute Fire in the Prescott National Forest has burned seven thousand acres but nearly contained.
A morning Small Stream Flood Advisory is issued for Maricopa County with one half inch of rain and 1.26 inches in Buckeye, Arizona.
Twenty four hundred people evacuated from the Santa Cruz Mountains in California from wildfires with no containment.
The effects of the typhoon in Taiwan are still disastrous. Hundreds of people fled their homes moments before a flood created lake burst its banks. Since last weekend fourteen hundred people have been rescued.
Tropical Storm Guillermo is the seventh named storm in the Pacific this season.
An eighteen year old hiker dies in the Grand Canyon after running out of water.
“Thunder wear” for dogs who get freaked out in storms is now available. Earmuffs, head halters and swaddling attire, including a snug leotard called a sheep suit. ( I have no idea what this means and it makes me fucking insane just typing it!)...we need to buy this for Rowdy.
8-14- Arizona fire officials worry that dry monsoon so far will raise fire potential this fall. One official described this summer’s weather as “bizarre.”
The typhoon that struck Taiwan six days ago has claimed five hundred lives and left seven thousand homeless. Agriculture and property damage exceeds 1.5 billion dollars.
8-15- There are now eleven different wildfires burning in California. Sixty eight hundred firefighters have been deployed around the state. A State of Emergency has been declared.
It is now official; parts of Texas are experiencing the worst drought on record since “modern day recording” began in 1895.
Massive floods and landslides have killed eleven people in China.
Hurricane Guillermo is still active in the Pacific but has weakened to a Category 2 storm with sustained winds at 110 mph.
Two Atlantic tropical storms have formed, Ana and Bill, in the far eastern Atlantic Ocean. They may pose a threat to the Virgin Islands and Puerto Rico and turn into hurricanes.
8-16- The Taylor Fire south of Flagstaff has burned seven hundred acres and the cause unknown.
Fires still burning out of control in northern California. The Santa Cruz fire is the largest with fifty percent containment.
There are now three tropical storms in the Atlantic. The third, Claudette, is nearing Florida. Three to five inches of rain and 50 mph winds expected.
Tropical Storm Bill is intensifying and could become a hurricane in a few days.
One thousand still stranded in Taiwan from typhoon. Storm aid assistance from around the world is on the way.
And now from the “It’s weird, I can’t explain it” file; my dad came over with a perplexed look on his face and told me he was lucky to be alive. I didn’t have to say why because he immediately began to tell me. Apparently he has a container full of sweets that he likes to raid and munch on before he goes to bed at night. After he ran out of his “gee-dunks” his wife filled the container with sugar coated peanuts.
He than proceeded to tell me after he had eaten a few handfuls of them he felt “things” crawling around his mouth. He than discovered the peanuts had “piss ants” all over them. Daddy told me he was sure he would “be a goner” before the morning came. Although the ants never stung his mouth I guess he figured they would poison him. He was quite impressed that he was still alive. I laughed my ass off at the story but am glad also that he is still alive and ornery as ever.
8-17- The Taylor Fire south of Flagstaff now at seven hundred acres. Embers from a lightning strike last week may have erupted into the blaze.
Rangers at the Grand Canyon are looking for a German man missing for the last three days. He was last seen stepping off of a shuttle bus at one of the lodges. ( Editor’s note: the Canyon seems to have an allure for people who just want to disappear.)
Huge Santa Cruz wildfire in California sixty five percent contained.
Claudette downgraded to a tropical depression but Bill may turn into a Category 3 hurricane by 8-20.
Rangers at the Grand Canyon are looking for a German man missing for the last three days. He was last seen stepping off of a shuttle bus at one of the lodges. ( Editor’s note: the Canyon seems to have an allure for people who just want to disappear.)
Huge Santa Cruz wildfire in California sixty five percent contained.
Claudette downgraded to a tropical depression but Bill may turn into a Category 3 hurricane by 8-20.
Ocean surface temperatures worldwide were the warmest on record in June according to “Federal scientists.”
An animal observation at the Land; Is it too early for small mammals to prepare for winter? I observed desert ground squirrels, or prairie dogs, heading in the same direction at different intervals in the afternoon. It appeared they were carrying yellow paper in their mouths. I discovered they were carrying straw to their dens. I keep a bale of straw next to the chicken coop (It is actually a prison since chickens are lower class than ducks. We eat their eggs so they cannot rule the bird world with their infantile brains and pass on degeneration.)
8-18- Firefighters are gaining control of the Taylor fire south of Flagstaff. It is ten percent contained with three thousand acres burned.
Hurricane Bill is three hundred miles wide with winds exceeding 100 mph and heading toward Bermuda.
U.S. relief workers are bringing aid to typhoon ravaged Taiwan. Hundreds of people are still stranded in the mountains.
A dozen dogs attack and kill a retired professor and his wife in rural Georgia.
Two girls in Mexico are struck and killed by lightning while attending an outdoor religious ceremony.
8-19- The Taylor Fire is sixty five percent contained with thirty five hundred acres burned. An excessive Heat Warning is issued for Maricopa County.
A tornado hits Beaumont, Texas collapsing a large department store roof.
Hurricane Bill is a Category 4 hurricane with 135 mph winds east of Puerto Rico.
An eighty one year old Phoenix woman was stung head to toe by bees. Police and firefighters have not found the hive(s) and will escort children walking home from school. The woman is in critical condition with four hundred stings and a broken hip from falling.
When paramedics arrived at the scene where the Georgia couple was killed by dogs they found sixteen “feral” dogs standing guard over the mutilated couple.
8-20- A man in west Phoenix is stung by bees when he used a shop vacuum to try and remove them from a hive. ( There should be a law like the “stupid motorist law” that applies to this.)
Tornados blew through the Mid West creating damage in Minnesota, Arkansas, Iowa, Illinois and Missouri.
Hurricane Bill weakens to a Category 3 hurricane but dangerous waves and riptides may reach the U.S. East Coast by this weekend.
Drought is taking its toll in Kenya, Africa. 1.3 million people need food and aid according to the United Nations. ( And we complain about the recession!)
8-21- The Taylor Fire is eighty five percent controlled.
Hurricane Bill will cause significant flooding along the Bermuda coast today and tomorrow. Recreational boaters and swimmers up and down the Eastern Seaboard are being warned to stay out of the water due to huge swales.
Mexico is suffering its driest year in seven decades. Mexico City is rationing water use.
The largest Catfish in Georgia history will not be eligible because it was caught by jug fishing. This method uses hooks attached to floating plastic bottles. The fish weighed one hundred and three pounds, five feet long and forty one inches wide.
8-22- Small Stream Flood Advisory issued for central Pinal County. Nine thousand people without power from storms in Phoenix last night. The football goal at Maricopa High School was blown over.
Hurricane Bill downgraded to a Category 1 hurricane as it spins toward Canada. Beaches are closed from Delaware to New England due to twenty foot waves.
A tornado strikes Ontario, Canada and kills an eleven year old boy at day camp.
Seventy five wildfires burn in Greece and hospitals are evacuated in Athens.
A man struck by lightning in Florida was saved by his baseball cap. The button on the top was burned off. The man is in the hospital but expected to survive.
There are concerns over the historic Kofa bighorn sheep population in western Arizona. The sheep, already small in numbers, are being killed off by mountain lions at an alarming rate.
8-23- In Edgartown, Mass.; a wave from Hurricane Bill swept five spectators away. Two were recovered and the Coast Guard is searching for the others. Bill may bring seven inches of rain when it reaches Canada.
Out of control wildfires threaten Athens, Greece. Ninety fires have broken out. Thirty thousand acres have burned with dozens of homes. Ninety five degree temperatures and gale force winds fueling fires.
An award is being offered to find the person who shot on of Montana’s largest grizzly bears. The bear was almost eight feet long and weighed eight hundred pounds.
8-24- Another bee attack in the Phoenix area makes three in less than a week.
Massachusetts woman stabs husband to death after arguing about feeding their dog before him.
Today in the Arizona Republic newspaper I saw a small article that read “Weather Service seeking people to measure rainfall.” Well I thought I would add that to my credentials and weather reporting expertise and tried to open the link that was in the article.
I couldn’t access the link with all of my infinite computer skills so the lovely Mrs. Blueduck offered to do it. She was laughing at me when she said the link takes you to a gay website. I was outraged! My fucking name is not Mr Pinkduck.
I couldn’t access the link with all of my infinite computer skills so the lovely Mrs. Blueduck offered to do it. She was laughing at me when she said the link takes you to a gay website. I was outraged! My fucking name is not Mr Pinkduck.
8-25- Excessive Heat Watch issued for the Phoenix area.
Fires in Greece finally under control.
8-26- Excessive Heat Warning issued for the Phoenix area.
3.93 inches of rain fell in areas of Nebraska today.
Tropical Storm Danny forms in the Atlantic.
No explanation for six young wolves found dead in Idaho. There were no outward signs of injuries or bullet wounds.
A two year old Florida girl was suffocated to death by family’s “pet” python. Her mother and boyfriend have been charged in the death.
8-27- One hundred and thirteen degrees in Phoenix, ten degrees above normal.
A new wildfire has broken out near Los Angeles.
Tropical Storm Danny is gathering strength. Residents of the Carolinas and New England are advised to monitor.
Wind farms are taking the blame for false tornado warnings. The massive spinning blades two hundred feet above ground can appear on Doppler radar like a violent storm. A false tornado alert was issued in Dodge City, Kansas. ( Why don’t you see if you can hurl Toto into those blades Dorothy?)( Mrs. Blue duck wants the men in the little jackets to pick up the head duck!)
8-28- Twenty five days so far this summer for temperatures at one hundred degrees or greater in Phoenix.
Fifteen hundred people north of Los Angeles are evacuated because of fires. Los Angeles and Monterey counties declare State of Emergency.
8-29- Excessive Heat Warning in Phoenix issued and extended until tomorrow.
Today marks the fourth anniversary of Hurricane Katrina. It was the most destructive storm on record and the fifth deadliest.
Six separate fires burning near Los Angeles. There are more evacuations and power outages. Dry, windy conditions not helping.
Jimena in the Pacific is a Category 2 hurricane. Mexico’s Baja California peninsula placed on standby.
8-30- Bees are swarming in from the hills behind Thunderbird High School in Phoenix looking for discarded sugary drinks to feast on. No more sodas are allowed on campus until cooler weather.
California wildfires out of control and burn thirty five thousand acres with six thousand evacuations.
Jimena strengthens to a Category 4 hurricane and may hit Baja, California by tomorrow.
8-31- A fire began north of Payson, Arizona yesterday burning seven hundred acres so far. The fire is ten percent contained. Five hundred people are evacuated.
The Station Fire north of Los Angeles has grown to one hundred thousand acres. Fifty homes are burned and two firefighters lost their lives when their vehicle rolled into a canyon.
Lightning caused fire threatens New Harmony, Utah. Two hundred and seventy five people are evacuated and twelve square miles burned.
A waterspout that turned into a tornado damages buildings with hurricane force in Galveston, Texas. One meteorologist said “it is extremely rare for a waterspout to make it to land.”
Hurricane Jimena has wind speeds of 155 mph and may affect weather in the south west United States later in the week.
The Mighty BroadDuck quote for the month; “If the world is a stage and we are all merely players I am ready for an intermission."
RyDuck with his infinite natural knowledge wrote “The ears of many animals are sensitive to low pressure. Wolves will howl before a storm and dogs will become nervous. (Coyotes are fucking insane and will howl if one of them farts or for any reason.)
And the quote I stole for you to ponder; “History is always made against the grain of Nature.” , written by Ortegay Gasset.
And finally, in tribute to the hell people went through after Hurricane Katrina four years ago, the song of the month is “The Flood” by Eileen Jewell. This song is specifically about Katrina and the (supposed) lack of response for emergency aid to the people.
Until you have to break off the arrow imbedded deeply in your thigh remember, Pioneers took bullets, Settlers took land.
Professor MR BlueDuck
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