September Blueduck Weather News

Blue Duck News

September 2007


An exciting new feature has been added to this latest addition of the Blue Duck Weather News. Beginning with this edition we will be reporting the water levels of the four largest lakes in the state. Yes my faithful readers, the largest lakes not the mud puddles and tadpole producers in the rest of the state. These are the largest toilet flushers. You can draw your own fucking conclusions about the drought status. Please note that lake amounts are recorded in acre feet of water not gallons as used by the nimrods in the swimming pool industry.
Lake Powell- 49% full with 96,400 acre feet of water.
Lake Mead- 46% with 94,300 acre feet of water.
Roosevelt Lake- 47% capacity with 13,701 acre feet of water.
Lake Pleasant- 43% with 6,061 acre feet.
The average temperature at the Land in September was 86.60 degrees. The average temperature on Antelope Hill and Talking Trees was a blissful 64.28 degrees.
The average humidity on the Land was 36.35% and the dew point was 51.62 degrees; not exactly dry but not tropical either.
The average wind speed was 3.024 mph No kites were witnessed but plenty of buzzards were spotted on the thermals; spiked beak, beady eyed bastards waiting to dive on some unsuspecting but quite unaware carrion.
The warmest September on record for Arizona was 2001.
9-1. 32nd day of temperatures in PHX. 110 degrees or higher.
9-4. Thousands of Californians without power as heat wave drags on and drains energy supplies. Two hurricanes making landfall, the first time since 1949.
9-7. U of A Climatologist predicts another dry winter for Arizona. Not good for an already twelve years of drought. California considers water rationing, the first time since 1991.
9-8. Drought has reduced wine production in Australia. Grape production down thirty percent. Family owned business yields lowest production in one hundred and fifty years.
9-9. Moonlight fire in Northern California burns 42,000 acres, sixteen percent contained. Smoke causing health warnings. Severe flooding in SW Missouri. Tropical storm Gabriel makes landfall in North Carolina. Heavy rain and flooding in Willcox, Arizona.
9-9. Wind patterns changing from southwest to northeast, the first sign of the end of the monsoon.
9-10. 62,000 acres burned in the High Sierras. Smoke drifting all the way to San Francisco.
9-11. Wettest summer of all time in Texas. 9-11 ceremonies in New York windy and rainy. (This seems appropriate in contrast with the deep blue sky of that fateful day in 2001. There is a definite irony in the contrast of now and then.) First frost of year in Wisconsin. ( "See ya later Country Bumpkin, how's the frost out in the pumpkins, doodley do, doodley do.") 2008 Farmer's Almanac predicts warmest year ever coming. 87 degree record high low in Phx. 39 degree low in Alpine, AZ.
9-12. Tropical storm Humberto heads for rain soaked Texas. "Experts'' say eating less meat could cut down on gas released in atmosphere, there by cutting the green house effect. I say eat more beans and green Chile peppers and add a less harmful gas to the atmosphere after you blow your toilet apart.
9-13. Humberto turns into a Category one hurricane. Ten inches of rain fall in Eastern Texas and Louisiana. Much needed rain in deep south of Georgia and Mississippi. 109th day of temperatures at a hundred degrees or more in Phoenix. The low at the Grand Canyon was 39 degrees. Monsoon was "officially" over on 9-ll. Defined as three previous days with lower dew points, humidity and change in wind direction. The average rain amount during the monsoon is 2.68 inches of rain. Phoenix recorded .69 inches of rain for the entire monsoon tying the eighth driest year on record since 1895. "Experts" report once again that cutting down on meat consumption could reduce global warming. (We don't make this shit up.)
9-15. Severe thunderstorm warnings for Pima and Pinal counties; two to five inches or rain in locations.
9-16. As predicted and promised by the fine staff at Blue Duck Weather the monsoon had its last final blow at the Land. .11 inches of rain fell bringing the yearly total to 3.88 inches. Fifteen thousand acres burning in Big Bear. Twelve percent containment. State of emergency declared in San Bernardino County.
9-17. Lightning strikes Oregon church steeple twice in same day exposing dry rot. (I'm telling you we don't make this shit up in some opium dream.) First time all month temperatures in Phoenix not a hundred degrees or more. Solar energy bill signed to allow solar panels on homes despite fucking HOAS. Freeze warning above seven thousand feet in Arizona.
9-18. Photographer in Greenland taking time lapse photos of shrinking ice for three years. Hour by hour pictures show startling shrinkage of ice in three months. China evacuates 1.3 million people as typhoon nears coast. (Where in the hell do you evacuate a million people? into the sea like so many lemmings?) Thirty degrees in Flagstaff, twenty seven degrees at the Grand Canyon.
9-19. National Weather Service announces change in reporting Severe Weather alerts beginning October 1st. No more county alerts will be issued, only landmarks and large buildings.( Your fine staff at Blue Duck Weather are highly suspicious of this change and will monitor it closely. It just might be meteorological terrorism, subliminal mind fuck.) Tropical storm forming off Pacific gulf of Mexico. Expected to turn into a hurricane.

9-22. "Fall is in the air Alphie, toodely do, toodely do." First day of Autumn.
9-23. High temperature in Phoenix 86 degrees, low 56 degrees. The last time was May 8th.
9-25. Tropical storm Karen forms in the Atlantic.
9-26. Fire danger in Arizona rising with lower humidity and wind. There have been hints of year wide fire dangers in many western states. Your fine staff at Blue Duck Weather pray upon a rain drop this will never happen to this beloved State.
9-28. New hurricane Lorenzo seventy five miles east of Tux pan, Mexico.
9-29. Lorenzo down graded to a tropical storm but dumped a foot of rain in Central Mexico.
Thank you for reading this breath taking addition of The Blue Duck Weather News. The fine staff here will keep their beady eyes open, the beaks focused, and their ears open to the weather events that affect this great State, the Country and the glob(e). The songs for the month are "Hello Country Bumpkin " by Hall Ripkin, "Fall is in the Air" by God knows who, and "Dancing in the Rain" by I don't care.
Remember, Pioneers took bullets, Settlers took land.
Your brilliant Editor in Chief;
MR Blueduck.

August AZ Weather

Blue Duck News

August 2007


The dog days of summer my ass! The stinking, putrid, acid, pig stench DOG BREATH OF SUMMER! Thirty one days this summer of temperatures at or above 110 degrees. Broke the old record of twenty eight days and gave us the brain baked honor of having the hottest August on record.
And I thought we lived in a desert. The average humidity on the Land was 41.16 percent. The average dew point was 61.76 degrees (there's that mysterious twenty-point spread again). The average temperature was 92.06 degrees. This is the fucking tropics with little rain and blistering temperatures; enough to pop out eyeballs and turn tongues black. For the entire month of enduring crotch sweating and ass chafing we received a pitiful .61 inches of rain. An average wind speed of 3.95 miles per hour wasn't even enough to fly a kite or a duck (not that anyone would want to this stinking time of year.)
And then there's these places called Antelope Hill and Talking Trees three hundred and five miles North East of the Land where the average temperature was 69 beautiful, heavenly, moist eye degrees. Places called Paradise until someone discovers it and builds twenty five thousand cheap shit houses.
As always Blue Duck News is here to report the facts, accurately and without judgment. You will notice in this exciting edition that we have expanded our coverage to include these great United States and the world at large. We have spared no expense to send our feathered reporters to all parts of the globe thanks to the jet stream, occasional tornado and hurricane.
August First; Storms developing right on top of Phoenix instead of the mountains. This is a rare phenomenon. Some locations received three to four inches of rain in past several days. There were twelve water rescues but no one was given stupid idiot tickets because the other stupid idiots didn't have time to get barricades and "road closed" signs in place. This amount of rain has no impact on the drought. Not enough snow pack, no popsicles Charlie!
August Third: No above normal temperatures since July 19th. What a tease with what was yet to come!
August Fourth: Two hikers swept away in Sabino Canyon north of Tucson. Mt. Lemon campgrounds closed for remainder of week.
August Seventh: Heavy rain damages homes and the Verde River raised six feet and was as wide as a football field. Flows were reported heavier than recorded in the last thirty years. My beautiful Verde don't let them take you away. Raise hell and show them you are a force to be reckoned with. Bacteria from shit infested run off closes Oak Creek at Slide Rock.
August Eight: 102 record in Washington D.C. White cherry blossoms shrivel up like sun burnt toilet paper; Heavy flooding in New York and New Jersey; Rare tornados in these areas reported; Eastern half of the beloved United States under a severe heat warning; Tennessee swelters and a life like wax figure of Elvis melts at Graceland in a ooze of peanut butter and banana odor.
August Twelve: One hundred and fourteen degree record in Phoenix.
August Thirteenth: Ninety degree high low record in Phoenix.
August Fourteenth: Home in Maryvale struck by lightening and burns to the ground. Miraculously all occupants escaped without injury. They were found at the nearest church trying to locate a new God. Trailer park in Casa Grande leveled by a "micro-burst;" one bewildered resident with disheveled hair and a red nose told reporters it was definitely a tornado. The Blue Duck staff immediately interviewed the gentleman for a field reporter position. As a signing bonus he was given a gallon of Mogan David wine and a carton of Lucky Strike unfiltered smokes. No expense is spared to recruit talent to this amazing weather organization.
August Eighteenth: Artic sea ice is at all time low and shrinking. Hurricane Dean is bearing down on Jamaica and largest since 1950. Space shuttle comes down a day early due to the hurricane. Phoenix has a record high of 111 degrees.
August Twentieth: 110 record high in Phoenix.
August Twenty First: 91 degree record high low in Phoenix. Alpine reports a record high low of 67 degrees.
August Twenty Sixth: Mayor of Nogales declares state of emergency as fourteen million gallons of shit and decay could be released into the Santa Cruz River. Heavy damage to a concrete-sewage pipe from caused by flooding; Nationwide emergency in Greece due to fire. Villages refuse to leave their homes and are burned to death. Eight arrested for suspected terrorism (?).
August Twenty Seventh: Rain soaks Wisconsin and evacuations take place; One killed by lightening. Five tornados reported in North Dakota. Record high-low in Page, Arizona 76 degrees.
August Twenty Eighth: Latest date a record of 110 degrees or higher reported in Phoenix. The average number of days with temperatures at 110 degrees or higher for the entire summer is 9.9 days.
August Twenty Ninth: Coolidge power outages from storms affect 2300 people. Eleven power poles down and schools are closed. (Would you rather have a snow day or wet, stinking, humid mud day?) NASA reports more severe storms will occur world wide due to global warming.
August Thirty First: Coolidge without power now for two days and residents are exiting to drown themselves in Roosevelt Lake.
National and local "weathermen" make millions predicting the weather. They may as well sit on a toilet and toss a coin. The fine staff at Blue duck News reports the facts as they have occurred to remind you of the hell you have just lived through. Most of you are not aware of these intense weather facts because you live through one air conditioned cube and travel in another air conditioned sweat box of plastic and glass. But as always Blue duck News is at the cutting edge of technology and weather reporting. For this reason we would like to offer a rare prediction based on years of observation and science; There will be one more intense storm and the Monsoon will gasp a dying breath in the third week of September. You can take that to the bank and flush the "weatherman's" coin down the toilet.
This month's weather song is a sad lament to remind you of the ever changing shadows as the sun retreats south; "Summer's almost Gone" by the Doors.
Thanks for making Blue Duck Weather News what it is(n't).
Editor in Chief; Blue duck.