August AZ Weather

Blue Duck News

August 2007


The dog days of summer my ass! The stinking, putrid, acid, pig stench DOG BREATH OF SUMMER! Thirty one days this summer of temperatures at or above 110 degrees. Broke the old record of twenty eight days and gave us the brain baked honor of having the hottest August on record.
And I thought we lived in a desert. The average humidity on the Land was 41.16 percent. The average dew point was 61.76 degrees (there's that mysterious twenty-point spread again). The average temperature was 92.06 degrees. This is the fucking tropics with little rain and blistering temperatures; enough to pop out eyeballs and turn tongues black. For the entire month of enduring crotch sweating and ass chafing we received a pitiful .61 inches of rain. An average wind speed of 3.95 miles per hour wasn't even enough to fly a kite or a duck (not that anyone would want to this stinking time of year.)
And then there's these places called Antelope Hill and Talking Trees three hundred and five miles North East of the Land where the average temperature was 69 beautiful, heavenly, moist eye degrees. Places called Paradise until someone discovers it and builds twenty five thousand cheap shit houses.
As always Blue Duck News is here to report the facts, accurately and without judgment. You will notice in this exciting edition that we have expanded our coverage to include these great United States and the world at large. We have spared no expense to send our feathered reporters to all parts of the globe thanks to the jet stream, occasional tornado and hurricane.
August First; Storms developing right on top of Phoenix instead of the mountains. This is a rare phenomenon. Some locations received three to four inches of rain in past several days. There were twelve water rescues but no one was given stupid idiot tickets because the other stupid idiots didn't have time to get barricades and "road closed" signs in place. This amount of rain has no impact on the drought. Not enough snow pack, no popsicles Charlie!
August Third: No above normal temperatures since July 19th. What a tease with what was yet to come!
August Fourth: Two hikers swept away in Sabino Canyon north of Tucson. Mt. Lemon campgrounds closed for remainder of week.
August Seventh: Heavy rain damages homes and the Verde River raised six feet and was as wide as a football field. Flows were reported heavier than recorded in the last thirty years. My beautiful Verde don't let them take you away. Raise hell and show them you are a force to be reckoned with. Bacteria from shit infested run off closes Oak Creek at Slide Rock.
August Eight: 102 record in Washington D.C. White cherry blossoms shrivel up like sun burnt toilet paper; Heavy flooding in New York and New Jersey; Rare tornados in these areas reported; Eastern half of the beloved United States under a severe heat warning; Tennessee swelters and a life like wax figure of Elvis melts at Graceland in a ooze of peanut butter and banana odor.
August Twelve: One hundred and fourteen degree record in Phoenix.
August Thirteenth: Ninety degree high low record in Phoenix.
August Fourteenth: Home in Maryvale struck by lightening and burns to the ground. Miraculously all occupants escaped without injury. They were found at the nearest church trying to locate a new God. Trailer park in Casa Grande leveled by a "micro-burst;" one bewildered resident with disheveled hair and a red nose told reporters it was definitely a tornado. The Blue Duck staff immediately interviewed the gentleman for a field reporter position. As a signing bonus he was given a gallon of Mogan David wine and a carton of Lucky Strike unfiltered smokes. No expense is spared to recruit talent to this amazing weather organization.
August Eighteenth: Artic sea ice is at all time low and shrinking. Hurricane Dean is bearing down on Jamaica and largest since 1950. Space shuttle comes down a day early due to the hurricane. Phoenix has a record high of 111 degrees.
August Twentieth: 110 record high in Phoenix.
August Twenty First: 91 degree record high low in Phoenix. Alpine reports a record high low of 67 degrees.
August Twenty Sixth: Mayor of Nogales declares state of emergency as fourteen million gallons of shit and decay could be released into the Santa Cruz River. Heavy damage to a concrete-sewage pipe from caused by flooding; Nationwide emergency in Greece due to fire. Villages refuse to leave their homes and are burned to death. Eight arrested for suspected terrorism (?).
August Twenty Seventh: Rain soaks Wisconsin and evacuations take place; One killed by lightening. Five tornados reported in North Dakota. Record high-low in Page, Arizona 76 degrees.
August Twenty Eighth: Latest date a record of 110 degrees or higher reported in Phoenix. The average number of days with temperatures at 110 degrees or higher for the entire summer is 9.9 days.
August Twenty Ninth: Coolidge power outages from storms affect 2300 people. Eleven power poles down and schools are closed. (Would you rather have a snow day or wet, stinking, humid mud day?) NASA reports more severe storms will occur world wide due to global warming.
August Thirty First: Coolidge without power now for two days and residents are exiting to drown themselves in Roosevelt Lake.
National and local "weathermen" make millions predicting the weather. They may as well sit on a toilet and toss a coin. The fine staff at Blue duck News reports the facts as they have occurred to remind you of the hell you have just lived through. Most of you are not aware of these intense weather facts because you live through one air conditioned cube and travel in another air conditioned sweat box of plastic and glass. But as always Blue duck News is at the cutting edge of technology and weather reporting. For this reason we would like to offer a rare prediction based on years of observation and science; There will be one more intense storm and the Monsoon will gasp a dying breath in the third week of September. You can take that to the bank and flush the "weatherman's" coin down the toilet.
This month's weather song is a sad lament to remind you of the ever changing shadows as the sun retreats south; "Summer's almost Gone" by the Doors.
Thanks for making Blue Duck Weather News what it is(n't).
Editor in Chief; Blue duck.